10. Crossing the Ocean.

Crossing the Ocean | A Choice, Not a Concept

Suddenly, I paused at a question that refuses to leave me now:

Do I truly want to cross the ocean of Sansar; or am I comfortable floating / sinking in it?

That pause exposed something uncomfortable.

For infinite time literally without beginning, this soul has remained bound in karmic bondage. Not because it had to, but because the default choice has always been the same: to continue, not to break.

I say “infinite” casually, but when examined, it is terrifying.

It means:

I have never experienced "absolute freedom".

I have never known what it means to exist without bondage.

I have only repeated cycles, endlessly. The cycle that has no beginning either.

Most of this journey has not even been as a human.

It has been in Sthaavar existence i.e. immobile, constrained, dependent. A state where even the possibility of conscious movement or choice does not exist.

That is not just a limitation. It is near-total helplessness.

From there, through an unimaginable struggle, Evolution happened.

From one-sensed to multi-sensed existence.

From immobility to movement.

And now, this Human birth.

Not ordinary. Exceptionally rare, truly extremely rarest of the rare. Even if it doesn't fit in the mind, it is unimaginably rarest of the rare.

Only here (in the Human birth) exists Vivek, the capacity to Discern.

Every other being lives.

Only a Human can choose the direction of existence.

The Brutal Reality

Even now, despite:

▪️A properly functioning body

▪️A stable life

▪️Access to knowledge

▪️Guidance from the enlightened

▪️Clarity about soul and karma

…the default tendency has remained unchanged:

And it is: To continue what has always been done.

Accumulate. React. Indulge. Repeat.

Even “good actions” often remain within the same loop of merit instead of liberation.

That is not freedom.

That is a more comfortable form of bondage.

The Core Error

The soul is not the doer; it is the knower.

Yet, by identifying with body, mind and actions,

it assumes doership and binds karma. 

This is not a small mistake.

This is the root of infinite suffering.

What Needs to Change

Not knowledge.

Not availability of path.

Not external conditions.

Only one thing: Decision (Nirnay).

A clean, irreversible shift:

From "continuing" the default cycle

To consciously "breaking" it

What does this "Decision" demands?

Relentless inner checking:

In this very moment, am I acting or merely witnessing?

Am I reinforcing identity, or dissolving it?

Am I accumulating, or freeing?

Am I aware, or mechanical?

Not occasionally.

Continuously.

No Illusions Left

If I do not change this now:

I return to the same cycle

The same patterns

The same bondage

And this exact combination of super precious Human birth, awareness, guidance, capability may not arise again for an incomprehensibly long time.

The Only Real Question

So the question is no longer philosophical.

It is immediate. 

It is Personal and Unavoidable.

Do I want to CROSS or NOT?

Because if the answer is yes,

then the delay is dishonesty; a dishonesty to myself incurring "my" loss, the loss that will cost the "Real Identity"

And if I am honest, then the only valid moment to flip the choice is: Not today, Not later. It is NOW

9. Happiness.

 H A P P I N E S S

A. Reflections on Perceived Happiness and Inner Direction

In the current state of non-enlightenment, whenever I refer to “I”, “me”, “my”, or “mine”, it is essentially tied to this body, mind, and the material identity that I have come to associate as myself.

The happiness that I assume or mentally label is, in truth, quite strange.

It isn’t really happiness, yet for the sake of expression, I accept it as such. Besides, what makes it even more peculiar is that there is nothing constant about it.

For some, happiness lies in accumulating money.

For others, in spending it.

Even within myself, at times I find happiness in saving, and at other times in spending freely.

Similarly:

For some, happiness is respect and recognition.

For others, it is material possessions.

For some, it lies in receiving without effort.

For others, in giving generously.

For some, it is in the sense of being the doer.

For others, in the sense of being the experiencer.

And if I continue to reflect, there are countless such variations.

Even in something as simple as lifestyle, if I live in a certain way, and someone else lives differently, merely observing and analysing their life generates in me a sense of happiness or unhappiness.

However, in reality, this too is a misperception; an illusion that I have accepted as real joy or sorrow.

B. The Distance from Natural Happiness

The idea that true happiness is simple and inherent feels distant to me.

For what feels like an eternity, I have evaluated happiness based on parameters viz. comparison, influence, control, comfort, release from burden, and so on.

Because of this conditioning, what is natural (sahaj) is not even recognized typically as happiness.

The statement “happiness is within” remains more of a conceptual quote; something to express outwardly, sometimes even to create an impression that I understand it rather than something deeply realized.

C. Comfort, Substitution, and the Mind’s Adjustments

In practical life, my sense of happiness often operates through substitution.

If I step out of one comfort zone, I instinctively seek another.

For example, if I restrict my eating, there may be discomfort at a core level. But then, another layer of comfort arises; perhaps in the form of recognition, validation, or identity (“people should know I am doing this”).

So, the mind compensates.

The shift is not away from dependence. It is merely from one form of dependence to another.

D. Influence of Norms and Social Conditioning

When a behavior becomes normalized by the collective, the mind readily accepts it.

For instance, if going out to eat becomes a social norm, the mind finds comfort in aligning with it. The action is then justified as “There is no harm”.

On the other hand, when something is labelled as a “vice”, the same mind becomes burdened even if the inner inclination exists.

Interestingly, if that same “vice” is allowed in a different environment or context, it is performed with ease, even enthusiasm.

This reveals that the burden or freedom is not inherent in the act itself, but in the belief system surrounding it.

E. Restriction, Indulgence, and the Spring Effect

There are times when I restrain myself strongly like compressing a spring.

And then there are times when I release completely leading to overindulgence.

In restriction, there can be internal burden.

In indulgence, there can be unconsciousness and / or a feeling of intoxication.

Both extremes carry their own forms of imbalance.

For example, on certain days I may avoid specific foods with a strong sense of discipline and identity, believing I am doing something meaningful.

Yet on other days, I may consume the same without awareness and with immense indulgence.

This raises a deeper question:

Is the awareness consistent, or is it situational?

F. Two Parallel Domains of Living

There appear to be two distinct domains in life:

1. The Body–Mind Domain

This includes physical needs, habits, beliefs, preferences, and social conditioning; and it certainly limited to this lifetime (the current human birth).

2. The Soul–Spiritual Domain

This relates to the eternal; inner clarity, awareness, and liberation.

While the higher purpose lies in the upliftment of the soul, the body and mind cannot be ignored.

However, the key lies in balance, caring for the body without becoming consumed by it or supressing it to such an extent that everything (lower / higher purpose) goes for a toss.

G. Choice, Direction, and Consequence

Ultimately, it comes down to choices I make.

If I invest all my time and energy in nurturing the body, mind, and associated beliefs, I will receive outcomes aligned with that.

If I invest in inner purification and spiritual clarity, the results will reflect that direction.

If I mix both unconsciously, without clarity, I risk causing more confusion than growth.

However, a conscious balance where both are addressed with awareness, may serve the journey better.

H. A Subtle Shift in Understanding Happiness

Perhaps the goal is not to chase or define happiness with labels like “pure”, “natural”, or “eternal”.

Perhaps happiness, in its truest sense, does not need qualification.

What matters is vigilance i.e. Observing how perceived happiness operates, how it shifts, how it deceives, and how it conditions choices.

Through that awareness, the movement may naturally shift; from assumed happiness toward what simply is.

I. What Next?

A next layer could be: not choosing between the duality, but observing who is choosing and why!

8. Ayambil Oli 2026.

 Ayambil Oli begins tomorrow.

It has been observed across time, and will continue to be. Naturally, the first thought that arises is: 

_“I should do Ayambil during these sacred days.”_

Now, that raises a deeper enquiry:

What is Tap (often translated as austerity) really?

What is the purpose behind these practices?

And what should these 9 days actually lead to?

In common understanding, Tap is seen as control or restraint (daman). While that is partially true, it needs a more precise distinction.

There are two very different inner approaches:

Daman i.e. control or suppression.

This is when I restrict food, reduce indulgence, or hold back desires for a period of time. It is will-driven and externally visible.

Shaman i.e. calming through understanding.

This is when I observe the arising of a desire, understand its nature and consequences, and through clarity, allow it to settle. It is awareness-driven and internally transformative.

Both may appear similar outwardly, but inwardly they are fundamentally different.

Daman can temporarily silence desires.

Shaman can dissolve their intensity.

Tap, in its deeper sense, is not merely Daman...it is Shaman. Daman is more of superficial.

Traditionally, there are 12 forms of Tapasya described. Practices like Ayambil predominantly engage the external forms, such as:

Dropping meals

Eating less than one’s hunger

Limiting choices and variety

Renouncing taste

These are valuable, but they are not the destination.

They are instruments.

Each act of restraint creates an opportunity to observe:

What do I crave? 

How quickly do I react? 

What is the pull of habit and taste?

This observation is the beginning of turning inward, of seeing my patterns clearly.

The real essence of Tap is captured in a profound idea:

*Freedom from desire is Tap.*

_(Ichcha Nirodh Tapah)_

Not by forcefully eliminating desire, but by understanding it so deeply that its hold weakens.

When the movements of wanting, resisting, and reacting begin to calm down, something quieter becomes noticeable. That stillness is not created; it was always present, just overshadowed.

In that sense, the real effort is subtle: not in intensifying activity, but in reducing inner disturbance.

These 9 days, then, are not just a ritual, but a mirror.

Whether I perform Ayambil for all 9 days or not, the essential question remains:

Am I becoming more aware of my inner tendencies, or just more disciplined externally?

Because it is entirely possible to perform austerity and yet strengthen a subtler layer of ego:

“I am doing more,” “I am more disciplined,” “I am progressing.”

And this is where a powerful insight comes in from Atmasiddhi:

Lahyu swarup na vrutti nu, 

Grahyu vrat Abhimaan,

Grahe nahi parmaarth ne,

Leva laukik maan

I may fail to understand and observe the inner tendencies, and instead adopt vows with a sense of pride.

In doing so, I might miss the true purpose,

and remains engaged in seeking recognition and validation.

The essence of this is sharp and direct:

If the focus shifts from inner transformation to identity built around practice, the direction is lost.

The practice continues, but the purpose is diluted.

Instead of dissolving the ego, it becomes more refined and subtle.

There is another layer that deserves attention.

Practices like Tapasya do generate merit (punya), and that has its value. It supports life, creates favourable conditions, and sustains the journey.

However, if merit becomes the only goal, something essential is missed.

Accumulating only merit is like nurturing the soil but never tasting the fruit.

The deeper aim is not just to move from negative to positive, but to go beyond both; to experience a clarity that is not dependent on accumulation.

Over long cycles, life tends to oscillate between merit and demerit, pleasant and unpleasant, while missing the possibility of stepping beyond this cycle. And that is the reason the "Sansaar in me" has never ended yet.

These 9 days can become a conscious shift in that direction.

So how do I approach Ayambil Oli meaningfully?

I should perform the external disciplines sincerely, if possible but certainly let the inner observation be stronger than the outer form

 I should watch desires, not only in food, but in reactions, speech, and the need for validation

Notice if pride or identity builds around the practice

Gently move from Daman (control) towards Shaman (understanding and calming)

And most importantly

Ensure that I do not feel “released” on the 10th day.

If these 9 days feel like a burden that has ended, then the practice remained external.

If they create a sense of continuity, then something deeper has begun.

Ultimately, the purpose of Tapasya is not hardship; it is clarity.

Not suppression; but understanding.

Not control; but freedom.

Not accumulation; but dissolution.

A gradual shift from being driven by desires to simply being aware of those; and in that awareness, loosening the long-standing patterns that keep me bound.

7. Talaash.

 तलाश थी हमें खुद की

और मिल गए हो तुम

क्या होगा अब आगे

हमें नहीं मालूम

अब क्या मलाल, किस से शिकायत

जब हम खुद ही हो गए गुम

कौन खोजी और कैसी खोज?

खुद ही खुद से हो गए महरूम

6. Pure (Shuddh).

 At the core level of the truth, every living being is inherently a pious soul _(shuddhaatma)_ that is pure, untouched, and complete.

However, in the realm of external conduct _(vyavahaar)_, individuals inevitably form opinions about me based on my current behaviour, past actions, and perceived identity across various states and phases _(paryays)_. 

These judgments arise from their own current, percieved and limited standpoint, conditioned by their state of understanding and their own karmic coverings.

Recognising this, my inner orientation is to remain unaffected, whether I am offered praise or criticism. Both are reflections of perception, not of the Self.

My true concern is not the world’s evaluation, but the silent and precise view/feedback of the super consciousness _(param chetna)._ 

To be understood by a layman, it is typically expressed through the law of karma. 

What truly matters is:

"My" inner intention _(vrutti)_,

"My" expressed action _(pravrutti)_,

And 

"My" movement towards the inner withdrawal and karmic cleansing _(nivrutti)._

Technically, the "My" is not to be considered from the ownership standpoint but from a perspective of being the aware "knower"

While the Soul _(jeev)_ is, in essence, the knower _(gyaata)_ and seer _(drashta)_, within embodied existence it appears as the doer. In this apparent doership, _pravrutti_ (action) unfolds in the foreground, but it is _vrutti_(intention) that determines the nature of karmic bondage.

The essential question, therefore, is:

Am I constantly "aware" of "witnessing" the both i.e. not just what I do, but why I do it? _(At the core, from a knower standpoint, it is what is being done and why is it being done)_

The law of karma functions with absolute precision like an infallible system that neither errs nor biases. One may deceive the world, and at times even oneself, but karmic accounting remains exact and unaltered.

There is a subtle but crucial understanding here:

Even the mental act of calculating outcomes like “what will happen if I do this or that” can itself become a form of interference, and thereby a cause of further karmic influx.

Understanding karma is necessary.

Interfering with its functioning is not.

This approach may, at times, appear as _shushk gyaan_ (a dry, overly intellectual stance). However, its intent is not intellectualisation but purification: to enable purusharth with total awareness, free from emotional reactivity, judgment, and unnecessary interference in the karmic process.

If this principle applies to analysing my own _vrutti_ and _pravrutti_, then I need to also strongly consider that what happens when I begin judging others?

In that moment, I step beyond awareness and enter entanglement.

_Again here I need to internally consider "My own" is a symbolic representation of being an aware knower at the core, because when I am in the doership mode the karmic calculations are vigilant about their assignments accordingly_

Circling back, Judging, analysing, justifying (whether of myself or others) has been a continuous, often unconscious habit since infinity. This very habit keeps strengthening the bondage.

The path, therefore, is not suppression, but training.

Constantly training myself to be:

Watchful of every thought,

Aware of every word,

Conscious of every action,

And sensitive to the subtlest shifts in intention.

To cultivate the state of a witness, not occasionally, but continuously, moment after moment.

Let karma perform its function.

Let me remain established as the witness.

This is not an intellectual exercise.

It is a lifelong discipline; constant, regular, and sustained over time _(satatam, nityam, chiram)._

In the NOW...

In this present moment....

I am aware.

I am the witness.

I am living in the NOW.

Ultimately, the entire framework of jeev (living beings), pudgal (all the loving stuff), karma, bondage, and liberation can be distilled into:

_Kriya te karm_ — Actions give rise to karma.

_Upyog te dharm_ — Right awareness is dharma.

_Parinaame bandh_ — Inner states determine bondage.

These three lines are not just philosophical statements. They are a complete map of existence and liberation.

The task is simple in expression, but profound in practice:

*To remain in pure awareness _(shuddha upyog)_, without interference, without judgment, and without deviation.*

5. Awareness, what really?

Considering that I am awake for roughly eighteen hours a day, an important question arises:

How much of that time am I truly aware?

There are moments when I feel alert and conscious of what I am doing. At times I experience a sense of awareness while performing a task.

So, What exactly is the “awareness” being referred to?

This question opens several possible perspectives.

Awareness can appear in simple forms. For example, being conscious of the task that is being performed. It can mean paying attention, staying alert, or focusing on the present moment while completing an activity.

Another perspective is slightly deeper. One may observe the activity as if it is happening through the body, senses, mind, and organs, while something within silently witnesses it.

In some moments, I may feel fully involved in the task, almost as if I am the one doing it. Yet there is also a subtle recognition of how the task is unfolding and where it is leading.

For the moment, these perspectives can be considered only in the context of performing a task.

However, there is an important distinction hidden within them.

Some perspectives imply:

“I am doing the task and I am aware that I am doing it.”

Others suggest:

“The task is happening through the body, senses and mind, and I am observing it.”

If I assume that I am the body, the senses, the mind, the brain, the heart and the organs, then naturally my experience will revolve around the idea that I am the "doer". The success of the task becomes "my" achievement, "my" capacity, "my" ability.

Gradually this strengthens a subtle sense of identity and ownership; the feeling that I am the one who accomplishes, proves, achieves and brings change. In ordinary language, this easily turns into a quiet form of ego reinforcement.

This happens because I consider myself nothing more than the combination of body, mind and senses.

Many philosophical and spiritual traditions question this assumption. They suggest that without the presence of the soul (the conscious principle) nothing truly functions.

At the same time, another argument may arise: what can the soul do in the worldly state without the body, senses and mind as instruments?

These questions can lead to endless philosophical debates.

The present exploration, nonetheless, is not about proving one argument over another.

The real inquiry is about the way of living.

If I observe my life carefully, three possible ways of living become visible.

First, life can continue mechanically. Actions happen through routine, habit and conditioning. Much of the time passes in semi-conscious or unconscious functioning.

Second, I can attempt to remain attentive in every task. I focus carefully, remain alert, and ensure that whatever I do is done with full concentration.

Third, I can train myself to remain a witness. Actions continue to occur through the body, senses and mind, but I remain aware that they are simply happening. Everything unfolds in the presence of “I”, while I remain aware of that presence.

The third one is what the "effort" is towards. 

For an immeasurable span of time I may have ignored this possibility or perhaps only understood it intellectually without living it. At times I may have attempted it briefly, but never cultivated it into a steady and uninterrupted awareness.

As long as this witnessing awareness remains unstable, the cycle of identification and bondage continues; And this is why I am here since infinity and I will continue to stay here for infinite time if I don't break the chain.

The path to liberation therefore lies in gradually stabilizing this awareness, recognizing that actions occur, experiences arise, thoughts appear, yet all of them unfold in the presence of the witnessing self.

Until such awareness becomes steady and undivided, continuous effort toward it remains necessary.

4. Spi-Ritual.

Embracing rituals is more or less a normal practice as a part of almost every religion or spiritual doctrine on this planet.

While it may be a good idea to follow rituals, a natural question arises: Do I simply follow them, or do I pause to understand the thought process, the logic, and the reasoning behind them?

Do I ever question myself on one or more of the following points?

Am I following rituals merely because they are written in scriptures? Or because a learned person has conveyed that enlightened or omniscient beings of the past have asked us to follow them? And if I follow them without doubting, challenging, or questioning, I may progress on the path, whereas if I question them, I might end up insulting or disregarding those pious souls.

OR

Am I following them because the entire world seems to be following them, and there are countless people with greater intellect and understanding than mine? If that is the case, who am I to question these things?

OR

Am I following them mechanically, simply because I belong to a particular religion and therefore feel obligated to do so, even if I do not understand the meaning?

OR

Am I following them out of fear; a fear that going against the flow might lead to some form of punishment?

OR

Am I following them due to social pressure, carrying an invisible burden on my head?

OR...

Do I want to understand rituals thoroughly, reflect on the sense behind them, develop genuine interest in their purpose, and then participate in them with awareness; an awareness that can maximize the outcome of those rituals?

As an analogy, if I want to earn money, there may be many ways to do it. However, one element remains common across all those approaches: Awareness. Whatever path I choose, I remain constantly aware of the process and the direction in which I am moving. If I notice that I am making losses, I pause, reassess, and create a fallback plan to correct the course.

In this process I may gather information, listen to people, and read relevant material, but the constant focus remains on whether I am on the right track. If any derailment appears, either proactively or reactively, I try to return to the right path at the earliest.

Human birth is invaluable beyond measure. On top of that, it is one of the rarest occurrences. Also, the lifespan itself is limited, but one of the greatest gifts of human birth is the "intellect" (vivek).

If I use this intellect (vivek) wisely to understand goals and purposes in a way that allows me to gain the maximum benefit from the most precious parameter I am investing (which is "Time"), it can certainly lead to a meaningful outcome.

Everyone has different goals and varied purposes in life, and each person is engaged in working towards them.

I am neither trying to agree nor disagree, neither advocating nor contradicting, nor preaching about the positives or negatives.

What I truly want to reflect upon is this: How can I use this human birth and this intellect to maximize benefits that are long-lasting; the benefits that do not end with this single lifetime?

Circling back to rituals, as mentioned earlier, each person may approach them differently.

My reflection here is simply about choosing one among three possible approaches.

1) I may immerse myself in one, two, or perhaps many rituals, speak about them openly, gain appreciation in society, build a visible image around them, and focus on how I appear in the eyes of others. This approach carries a strong possibility of leading to demerits (Paap), ultimately burdening the soul with heavy karmas that may later manifest in material discomforts, in ways best understood by the omniscient.

2) I may follow rituals sincerely and silently, out of discipline, personal will, social conditioning, or even ignorance and above all, without any desire for recognition. However, if I do so without deeper awareness of their purpose, such as cleansing karmas or uplifting the soul on the path toward liberation, this approach may lead to accumulation of merits (Punya). Even these merits are karmas, and they too bind the soul, though they may manifest as material comforts and favorable circumstances.

3) Now, I might want to look at rituals from a different perspective. I may try to understand their time-tested importance, explore the deeper sense behind them, and then practice them with awareness and clarity of purpose. With this awareness and focus on the ultimate outcome, I train myself (the soul) to participate in the rituals while witnessing the process, allowing the actions to appear as though they are simply happening, while I remain aware.

This reflection resonates with a verse from AtmaSiddhi Shastra composed by revered Shrimad Rajchandra:

Tyaag viraag na chitt ma,

Thaay na tene gyaan;

Atke tyaag viraag ma,

To bhoole nij bhaan.

If the mind completely rejects renunciation or detachment, true knowledge does not arise. But if one becomes stuck merely in the practices of renunciation and detachment, one may forget the awareness of the true Self.

In the same way, if one rejects rituals entirely, the path may remain incomplete. But if one becomes absorbed only in performing rituals mechanically, without awareness, one may lose the very purpose for which those rituals exist.

Ultimately, this understanding is not limited only to rituals. It applies to every activity in life.

What matters most is awareness, focus, and a constant alignment with the path and the destination, so that the effort invested yields the highest possible benefit.