5. What Next?

In the midst of timely-untimely, anticipated-unlikely and subtle-serious ups and downs, I can say my life has been lavish (in materialistic terms) over a period of last few years. Most of the times I did achieve what I craved for. By and large, I can quote – I have had all of it in almost all aspects.

Off-late, I have been feeling that I am getting detached with so many things I would yearn for earlier. I feel this kind of feeling is natural for a few reasons – I might have developed a momentary resistance; I might have experienced it so much that I don’t feel like sticking on to it anymore; I still am experiencing it so easily that I have lost the value of it; In theory I am prepared for staying without it but not in practicality.

Nevertheless, there have been a few jerks of aloofness which were neither intermittent not transitory but more of a lasting-for-a-while and regular. For instance, I would always love clubbing a lot but in last more than a year, I have hardly visited a couple of times and I accurately remember that I was not getting attached during those instances. Big deal (!!), as it’s really difficult - rather impossible for me to say just on the basis of analysis that how long this will last.

I don’t feel like reacting to all the situations that I would easily react earlier. I don’t feel like making a choice for all the petty stuff and spend time and energy after that. I love the state of being choiceless in most of the instances. I feel like accepting what is going around. I don’t see the end to this rat-race. I feel lost. I feel tired. I enjoy the state of being deprived. I simply strive to live life fully. Well, let me pinch my self and re-iterate that this is not an achievement as this doesn’t happen in its entirety. There are weak links that either go totally unnoticed or even if evident, I tend to stay with those.

As a common man, I would always dream of all those luxuries of life. Some of them achieved, some not. At this stage, I distinguish them into 3 categories – Out of reach, In-reach and In-between the first two. The things which are out of reach are like the grapes on the tree that hang at a height which is far more than mine. I simply eliminate thinking that they are sour. As a consequence, I feel stable and relaxed as I have taken that off my sight. The things which are In-reach are simply possessed and enjoyed as-is. The issue arises with the things In-between. I work hard to make some money to achieve and experience those. Lately, the In-between things have started getting into out of reach category which makes me feel happy and sort of, contented.

I don’t want to stop it here as there is something which is in-built and extremely dangerous. I want to maintain that standard of in-reach and soon-to-be in-reach stuff. I don’t wanna deteriorate myself and hence, a feeling of in-security always walks along. Although I am completely secured, the very thought of in-security haunts my mind more regularly than the feeling of the charm which is supposed to be experienced with all that I possess. Detachment goes for a toss.

Besides, as soon as I set a standard for myself and further scan through the reserved resources in my kitty, I feel like raising my standard. It starts getting far-fetched but I don’t realize it. I get into the vicious circle of hunger and thirst. Someday, I realize that upgrading my vehicle every 2 years is a good thing to do but the very next day of upgrading it fetches the same feeling of the earlier one, detachment makes a silent entry. I start feeling that this is the last vehicle I am upgrading. The benefits are really not reaped as they are supposed to be. Now very hardly pinching myself – This is not gonna last long and therefore, it’s not an achievement.

Supposedly, let me think what if this objectivity goes a little long way (and this happens too), with all my efforts and willingness. If I get disconnected with this world, where do I want myself to get connected? What do I need to do for that connection? What will that connection result in? What am I really looking for? Am I looking for a contentment which is never ending? Am I wishing for something which hardly anyone around me is wishing for? Am I looking for an experience of a life that I have never lived and am craving to live that experience forever? These and many other variants of these inquiries haunt my mind all day along.

At the end of such a thoughtful day, I really get so much tired that I just want to sleep and as soon as I recline on my bed, sleep vanishes because the thoughtful day might have come to an end in my perception, but not the thoughts. A day long hunt for happiness still appears as a hunt and now, before shutting my eyes, I want happiness in some form – be it physical, mental, physical followed by mental, emotional. Post experiencing this happiness, I feel that I am contended and can now sleep well, wake up fresh and get ready for a new day which will certainly be full of eternal bliss.

Isn’t it silly that I pass through the same phase each night not fearing that any night could be my last one?

What next? – is still a question.