Who Am I Serving?
A conversation. An
honest mirror. A summary.
A few hours ago, I sat
down with myself; not to merely get answers, but to be mirrored.
And what the mirror
showed was not flattering. Not ugly either. Just honest.
So I am writing this
down. Not for anyone. Not to appear spiritual. Not to add another badge to the
Dilip Shah collection. But because the clarity that emerged deserves to be
preserved. And because writing (for me) has been one of the best ways to stop
fooling myself.
Where It Started
I have been rooted in
Jain philosophy since childhood. But over the years, something shifted. I began
to see that the core of Jainism had little to do with mechanical rituals,
seeking prayers, or competitive religiosity. It was always about one thing, predominantly:
cleansing the Soul from Karma.
Body itself is a
karma. Everything that has accumulated (the name, the roles, the current
situation, the image, the relationships, the spiritual identity); all of it is
Karma.
And the king of all
Karmas?
Moh. Delusion.
Not anger. Not greed.
Moh, because Moh is the root. Raag (Craving) and Dwesh (Aversion) are merely
its branches.
And what feeds Moh
most efficiently?
The identification
with a fake, temporary identity. The one that was handed to me at the birth of
this body and will conclude when this body is declared dead.
Dilip Shah.
The Soul won't cease.
It will continue its journey. But right now, I am giving it barely any time.
Almost everything (name, fame, ego, money, knowledge, recognition, social
service, donations, and yes, even Spirituality) is revolving around and serving
this temporary bodily identity.
That was the starting
point of this dialogue. Or rather, this self-analysis.
What the Mirror
Showed
At the mind level, I
have moments of Nijbhaan (awareness of the true Self). Brief. Soothing.
Unburdened.
In those moments, it
feels like: everything is within, be it happiness or sorrow.
And then, suddenly,
some distraction appears. A sweet one. And the mind says:
"Complete the
pleasure first. Then we will think about awareness."
Such a perfect
honeytrap.
The honest
observation: in very few activities, I maintain the witness; and even that,
only at the mind level. In others, I get completely submerged. And even when
awareness strikes mid-submersion, the mind negotiates. Delays. Postpones.
This is not failure. This
is the battlefield. This is exactly where the work is.
What matters is not
whether I fall. What matters is the gap between the pull and the return. Is
that gap getting shorter? Even slightly? Day by day?
That incremental
shortening is the actual Purusharth available right now.
The Question of
Guidance
When I observe this
happening within, and then look at what others offer, I find two types. Those
who will start guiding directly. And those who will point toward an enlightened
master, a Sadguru. Eventually, both paths converge toward either scripture or a
realized guide.
This places an honest
question in front of me:
Is the reluctance
to commit to a living Guru purely discernment, or also a way of protecting the
ego's sovereignty?
I sat with that.
My answer: both can be
true simultaneously. And I need to be honest about both.
What I am clear about
is this: the discipline and sincerity I need cannot be born of fear or the
desire to please someone. That would be another form of bondage; cleaner
looking, spiritually dressed, but bondage nonetheless.
What I also know:
Pratyaksh (physically present) and / or Paroksh (through teachings and texts),
guidance is inevitable.
And right now, my
Paroksh Sadguru is clear. Mahavir's path. Shrimad Rajchandra's writings, of
which the most significant from a "roadmap to liberation" standpoint
is the Atmasiddhi Shastra. 142 verses that strip the path down to its
bones.
I am not interested in
simply following followers of any enlightened person. I want to experience what
Lord Mahavir, Shrimad Rajchandra, and all those free from (Mohaniya) Karma
actually experienced. The map is clear. The territory has to be walked.
And I am not waiting
for the right Guru to appear before I begin. If I am hungry, I do not stop
moving until I find food. I work on the hunger. I increase the eligibility (the
Yogyata, the Paatrata, the Mumukshuta) in the truest sense.
What matters is that
the door remains unlocked. Even if I am not standing at it.
Practice vs.
Implementation: An Uncomfortable Self-Question
Finding a quiet place
and sitting with the Atmasiddhi verses; that is practice. Valuable. Necessary.
Like a musician practicing scales.
But the real test is
the chaos.
The meeting. The
irritation. The praise. The honeytrap. The moment someone says something that
touches the ego. The moment a pleasure beckons and the mind begins negotiating.
Can the witness (the
awareness) show up there and then?
Not perfectly. Not
always. But maybe, more than yesterday?
Now here I could
argue: "On Day 1, I won't be able to maintain awareness amid chaos. Let
me go slow."
But my
counter-argument to myself is sharper:
How long is this
"Day 1" going to last?
I have been aware of
this path for over three decades. I have pondered over the same (and at times
identical) territory again and again. And I have consistently defended the
position that I need to attend to a whole lot of responsibilities in the
Sansaar first.
Does Fake Identity
ring a bell here?
This juggling between
what the Soul needs and what Dilip Shah demands has been nearly constant until
today.
And there is one more
thing worth watching, uncomfortable as it sounds:
If sitting with the
verses feels too good, too soothing, too pleasant, there is a subtle
risk that the practice itself becomes a Raag. Seeking the pleasant state
of Nijbhaan is still seeking a pleasant state.
The practice is not
the destination. It trains the instrument. The implementation is the
examination.
The Formula:
Already on a Platter
The Enlightened
masters have not hidden the path. They have placed it in front of me, in the
simplest possible language:
Jyaan tyaan thi
Raag-Dwesh rahit thavu; e Dharm chhe.
Religion is
eradicating (starting with reducing) Craving and Aversion. No matter what. No
matter where.
And:
Jene Aatma jaanyo,
tene sarve jaanyu.
One who has known the
Soul has known everything.
This is the path.
Not complicated. Not
requiring grand gestures. Not requiring performance.
Difficult? Yes.
Demanding? Absolutely. But structurally simple.
Become aware. Observe
the Moh. Reduce the identification. Return.
Again and again.
Without drama. Without
demanding quick results. Without waiting for perfect conditions.
The Conditions Are
Already Here
The understanding is
already here.
47 years in; the basic
compulsions are met. No large flamboyant desires left to chase. The future is
reasonably arranged.
What remains is the
inner work.
I do not know how much
time this body has. Nobody does.
But that is not the anxiety,
I got to nurture. I need to tread with Vivek. And Vivek, combined with genuine
Mumukshuta, is what Shrimad describes as the beginning of the real journey.
So.. the instructions
to self:
Walk.
Quietly. Regularly.
Without performance.
Fall. Return. Walk
again.
Not to become "someone
spiritual." Not for recognition. But because Liberation matters more
than maintaining a false identity.
So, telling myself
again:
Walk.
Quietly. Regularly.
Without performance.
Fall. Return. Walk
again.
Walk NOW.
Walk. Walk. Walk.
NOW. NOW. NOW.
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